My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
