Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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