I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
