We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
