My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
