i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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