If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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