i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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