I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
