I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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