i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
