apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
