Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
