My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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