Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
