saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think my vagina is haunted
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
