don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
