I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I've blown a few things in my day
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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