I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
