Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
