Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize