I have demons in me.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
