I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
