So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
