2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
