i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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