My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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