she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
