Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
