god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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