im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
