the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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