Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
