new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
