there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
