yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
