if i can run in heels then i can drive
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
