what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
