A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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