if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
