Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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