I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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