I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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