oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
