Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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