i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
