She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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