i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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