Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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