he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
