she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
