I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
