I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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