I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize