I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
