Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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