I wish I could punch you in the face.
Me too!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize