matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
