things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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