she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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