it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
