its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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