You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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