i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize