totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
