life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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