she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
