I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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