All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
