I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Randomize
