I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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