yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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