Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize