I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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