Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
