your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
